NEWS
University Apathy Levels Reach All-Time High; No One Cares
"We saw this coming," says an official speaking anonymously. "The University was witnessing a decline in all student activities, from participants in U-Union to pledges on Rugby. But we really didn't see anything we could do."

SPORTS
Rotunda Destroyed in Post-Game Orgy
Recalling the glory days of seasons past students flocked to the field following the Cavs humiliating defeat by longtime rivals the Spiders. Fed up with the Cavs on again off again performance drunken students tore down the indestructible goalposts and dragged them to the Rotunda as an offering to Mr Jefferson. Completing the rampage a bonfire was lit that quickly engulfed the lawn, the Rotunda, and several legions of frat boys donned in highly flammable khakis...

LIFE
Board of Visitors Deplores Student Drinking, Opens Faculty Bar
The strict prohibition on UVA grounds imposed last fall was relaxed this week with the conversion of Alderman Library into a combination dining facilty/bath house for senior UVA officials.

WEATHER

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OPINION
Contemplating the Indictment of entire Student Council

ARTS AND ENTERTAINMENT
Dave Matthews Still Not Coming

The Box Office:Why Cinematheque Movies Suck

LEAD EDITORIAL AND LETTERS: WHY DO WE BOTHER?

SHALLOWGRAVE : MOURNING THE ONLY DECENT COMIC